Poem inspired by the Iliad

I walk through the woods with a spear in my hand
Searching for enemies, the general's demand
I feel like life is a constant fight
I'd rather be dealing with veggie blight
We see the enemies coming from the south
Their immense numbers drops my mouth
I throw my spear, praying for a hit
But I completely miss, and my general's all like "You twit!"
Well here we go again, now I've an ax
It ploughs through a tree as if it were wax
The tree falls and blocks the baddies off
I feel more powerful than Haselhoff